Your 10-year high school reunion
Oh, everybody wants to make a good impression, and I was making mine on-
Ted? Tad? Whatever
I know, not exactly Most Likely to Succeed
but it's not like I had a law degree to brag about
or a Rittenhouse Square apartment, or a fancy job
- Oh - Or a job, period
- Man - Is that it?
Yes, baby, that's-that's it
There are women- thinner women-
who have lace bras, silk thongs
things designed to excite a man
A thong would look ridiculous on me
I wear cotton briefs
My life is about working long hours
planning trips I never take
and settling for love found on the pages of romance novels
And because things like this never happen to me
the lawyer in me wants proof
Hold on
Is this Rose Feller?
Who is this?
My name's Todd I'm here with your sister
Things like this, on the other hand, happen all the time
Those are my shoes
You know, it is actually possible to attend a reunion
and not wind up passed out on the bathroom floor
1994 called It wants its hair scrunchie back
Oh
How are the fashionable girls wearing their hair these days
when they pick up their drunk sisters in the middle of the night?
Is that even a dress?
Just drive
Shit
- Oh! - You're drunk!
Shh Don't let Sydelle know
Oops
I was very clear
You can only stay here if there was none of your nonsense
- Excuse me I'm gonna go to bed - And throw up all over my white carpets?
Absolutely not Take your things and go
Where is she supposed to go?
- I don't care Take her home with you - No way
Gee, you two really know how to make a girl feel special
- I want to talk to Dad about this - Your father's asleep
My Marcia and her husband are coming for brunch tomorrow He needs his rest
I'm sure if he were given the choice of resting up for your child or talking to his own
he'd choose me
Did you just raise your eyebrow?
I can't tell It doesn't-
It doesn't move anymore
"My Marcia's coming for brunch"
To stuff her anorexic face
What is this?
Rose Feller!
- Is there a man in this house? - Shh!
- A human man? - Shh, Maggie!
Oh
No, give me that!
- No! Ooh! - Maggie! Maggie!
- Yummy Yummy - Shh!
He's cute Who is he?
None of your business
Well, I, for one
Am shocked
and appalled
Shh! Don't, Maggie Shut up
Life doesn't have to be this hard, Mag
If you just prepared a little, you know, maybe went back to school?
Oh, right 'Cause that worked so well the first time
I mean the literacy place
Retard "U"
- If you just went back, finished up there- - Right
maybe it'll help you figure out what you're good at
I know what I'm good at
- Besides that - Oh
You have so much potential
- You do realize I'm drunk, don't you? - Mm-hmm
Remember Honey Bun?
How long did we have him for?
- A day - Mmm
That was a good day
Yeah
- Oh Good morning, um- - Mmm
- Hi - Hi
- Is that English? - Oh, Jim
This is my sister, Maggie
She just dropped by last night to visit
Right
- Good morning - Good morning!
- I'm sorry about that - It's not a problem
Hey
I could've sworn I had some 20s here
Mm-hmm! Okay
Hmm
Sherbet
Where does she get the time to do this?
Okay
I love you
All right, Rose What do you got?
Oh, shit!
There's a man in this picture?
Oh, shut up! I had technical difficulties
- Who's next? - Trust me Look, he's gorgeous
- Thank you - And smart and totally smoldering
- Can you make that a full pound of the hot sopresata? - You got it
Office romances can go very bad
Well, they can also go very good
You know, 30% of married women met their husbands at work
- Where did you get that statistic? - Made it up
Mm-hmm
All extracurricular activity happens off-campus- his place or yours
No, his Mine's a little crowded these days Maggie
- No! - Just till she finds a job
You say that like that's something she's remotely capable of
Why do you let her do this to you?
Because she's my sister
All right What's your name?
Maggie May Feller What's yours?
Some of you who had plans for the weekend are, unfortunately, going to have to cancel
The settlement discussions for the Donaldson case have broken down completely
so we'll need to start gearing up for trial
Simon, you should put together a deposition schedule today
And, Ellen, you should start drafting a summary judgment motion
I'll need to see that before we file it, so you'll need to get it to me by Thursday, okay?
Let's get to it
Listen, uh, I'm supposed to go to Chicago
to do some recruiting interviews next weekend, but it's my kid's birthday
- Can you go for me? - Chicago?
- Yeah - It's cold there
- Aw, come on I promised I'd be the clown - I don't know
If I could drag an associate along to help with interviews so I don't fall behind
Uh, Feller?
- Any interest? Chicago? - Oh, gee, I don't know
I mean, like you said, it's pretty cold there
Buy some mittens
Rose Your sister
Guess who's in New York waiting for her callback to be the next MTV veejay?
Well, uh-
Out of curiosity, um, how much did it cost you to get up there?
Who cares? I'll make it back
Oh, right, when MTV hires you and makes you a great big star
Would it kill you to be supportive?
I mean, would that just send you into "anaphallic" shock or something?
Anaphylactic, Maggie, not "anaphallic"
- Maggie May Feller!
I have to go That's me
- You're next - Excuse me
- Welcome back, Maggie May - Thank you It's good to be back
Now, you see the screen with the words on it?
Just read what it says
and just look into the camera
and give it that- that personality
Just let it shine through
Okay, whenever you're ready
"It's Friday afternoon on"- Oh
- Okay Let's try again
- Okay - Just relax
"It's Friday afternoon on TRL and"-
Take it back
"It's Friday afternoon on TRL and later today"-
You okay, Maggie May?
Yeah
Well? Are you famous yet?
A position in retail
Employment history?
What was your last job?
- Lucky Jeans for three weeks - Why'd it end?
Some crazy bitch with a coupon
The coupon says 15%! 15% of the total!
15% of 42! Do the math! What's your problem?
Okay, well, if anyone asks, just
say it wasn't challenging enough
And before that was the restaurant, right? The Canal House?
And before that?
Before that? The Gap
Before that? The Limited
Wanamaker's Fragrance, Wanamaker's Accessories
Oh, come on You really don't want to do this right now, do you?
No, but I also don't want you on my couch for the next three months
I'll let you do my résumé if you let me do your makeup
- Forget it - Why?
I don't know- at some point today, I have to face the world
and I'd rather not do it looking like a $20 hooker
Oh, come on I promise you'll still look like you, just better
Let's go pick out an outfit for inspiration Shoes
- I don't have- - Shoes!
You know
you don't even wear most of these
Shoes like these should not be locked in a closet
They should be living a life of scandal and passion
getting screwed in an alleyway by a billionaire while his frigid wife waits in the limo
thinking that he just went back into the bar to get his cell phone
- These are cute too - Please tell me you just made that up
Look, if you're not gonna wear them, don't buy them
Leave them for somebody who's gonna get something out of them
I get something out of them
When I feel bad, I like to treat myself
Clothes never look any good
Food just makes me fatter
Shoes always fit
- Don't slouch - Something for you ladies?
I think we're gonna just take a minute Thanks
- I thought I was getting a drink out of this - Patience
Eww! Maggie, no
How would you ladies like to join us for something wet?
- What is that? - It's a vagina
You know what? Sydelle's right You're completely obscene
Why, because I say "vagina"?
"Michael, I don't know what's wrong with your girls
My Marcia never uses the word 'vagina'!"
Oh, no, my Marcia doesn't even have a vagina!
Oh, my Marcia has a vagina, all right
but my Marcia's vagina is made of solid 24-karat gold
My Marcia's vagina is so perfect, it's in a museum!
What can I get you girls?
We'll have two stacks of whole wheat honey pancakes
and a side of bacon, please
- Thank you - Thank you very much
Oh, and, uh, are you hiring?
I'll bring an application
My Marcia never eats pancakes
That's why my Marcia still wears a m-
What?
I can't believe you just did that
Did what?
"Are you hiring?"
God, Rose, we were having fun for once
- It's an opportunity - To do what?
To work the graveyard shift serving pancakes to cops and whores and drunks
I think you should work, so you don't have to mooch off me for everything
What are you talking about? I just got us two rounds of drinks
No Cuervo Carl got the drinks, and only because he hoped you'd sleep with him
Well, I didn't
You need a job, Maggie
There's a whole world of commerce out there
that has nothing to do with sex
Where people actually make money without seducing anyone
Obviously, or you'd starve
You're not gonna look like this forever, you know
Eventually you'll be older
and then all the men who foot your bill now will be buying drinks for girls half your age
And what are you gonna do then?
Well, you better think of something
'cause middle-aged tramps aren't cute
They're pathetic
- Fine - What are you doing?
Sit down, Mag Mag
Your car's here, Miss Feller
Mm-hmm
Thank you
Hey
Danvers got busy He sent me instead
Almond croissant? Still warm
Hi I was, uh, wondering if you guys are hiring?
Hi
Great
Shit
- You know about anal glands? - What?
- Squeeze - Eww
- Oh, you get used to it Grab yourself an apron - We got all sizes
Sorry
Hello, Sydelle
No, I can't come right now
Look, I'll get there when I get there, okay? Thank you
Stepmother
You can put it all in the basement
I need this space I'm converting it to a nursery for my Marcia's baby
- She's pregnant? - She will be very soon
- Maggie! - Hey, Daddy!
- Yeah, hi, baby - Hi
I thought I heard your voice What brings you here?
- I'm being evicted - Are you gonna wear that, Michael?
Because if you're not, you should go change We're already late
- Mustn't be late - Mm-mmm
- Stick around, Maggie, have dinner with us - Mmm, tempting
Yeah
Well- Oh, try not to burn the house down
Don't look at me like that, my Marcia
Shit
Mike, how do you stop loving somebody when
They've stopped loving you?
We are within walking distance to three of the best restaurants in the city
- I've already eaten - Yeah
Grease is not a food group, Feller
- Bon appetit - Will you stay with me?
Okay, I'm not gonna start with your butt first, okay?
I'm gonna wait for us to get to know each other a little better
All right Here you go
Okay
Oh! Shit
Here we go, sweetie
Oh, God
No! Truce
Damn it!
- They got you too, huh? - What?
They tow on Saturdays
Great Do you know where they take the cars?
Uh, yeah, it's this impound lot down on South Street
I'm parked around the corner I'm taking him We'd be glad to take you too
- Yeah - If you want
Yeah, that would be great
Uh, you know, are we- I mean, are we- are we in a rush?
'Cause I could stand going for a drink
- Sure - All right All right Cool
- There it is What's your name? - Maggie
- Hey Grant Nice to meet you - Hey, I'm Tim
- Hi Nice to meet you - Nice way to end your day
Yeah My sister would kill me if she knew I got her car towed
Where is this place?
We're almost there
We're in like Flynn
All right, go ahead
- There it is - All right, let's go
- All right - All right Thanks
- All right - So, thanks for the ride
Thanks for the drinks and the fun, and, uh, we'll see you guys later
Well- I mean, wait, wait Hang on, hang on
Maybe we can go do something
- You know, it's early still - No, I'm okay, actually I'm just gonna go
Yeah, but you can't just take the car You got to pay for it
- Let me go! - What are you doing? Hey, wait up! Wait!
- Grant! Leave it alone!
Ow! God!
Aah!
What the hell is that?
It's Honey Bun Two
You bought a dog
No, I borrowed him
I didn't want to be alone last night
I had- I had a bad night
So did I, Maggie, several of them
but you don't see me stealing dogs
I was scared There were these guys and-
- Of course there were - And I got home, and you were gone I-
My plane was late I have to be in court in 20 minutes
I missed two days of work for nothing, which means I'm gonna have to work forever
And now I'm getting a cold
so I don't have room in my head for your problems right now
Just have my sheets cleaned and the dog out
by the time I get home
My car has a boot on it!
How the hell did my car get a boot on it?
Oh, I was trying to tell you I-I used it the other day-
Five years I've had that car, not one ticket
You use it-without permission- for two days
- Melanie Dillon - Melanie, it's me
- Hi, Rose - There's an emergency, and I can't make it to court
- Can you send someone to cover for me? - Got it
Thank you
You ruin everything
I can't take this anymore, Maggie I can't
I want you out
Now Today, before I get home from work
- Where am I supposed to go? - That is not my problem!
You are your problem! You figure it out!
- How was Chicago? - Cold
Sorry I couldn't swing it
- Things were kind of crazy around here - Yeah, I know
I work here too
You know, Jim
if you say you're gonna be in Chicago, you should be in Chicago
And if you can't make it, if you know you're gonna send Simon Stein in your place
then pick up the goddamn phone
Bitch
It's okay, Honey Bun Shh
Is Rose here?
Nope
Oh!
Rose Rose
I liked you I really liked you
She won't even remember your name
In fact, she can't even spell it
Can you, Mag? Want to give it a try? Come on, sound it out
Ji immm
Jim
Pretty, but real stupid
Shut up, you fat pig!
Did you honestly just say "fat pig"?
You are my sister
and the best you can do is "fat pig"?
Get out of my life!
Oh!
Is there anything I can do?
I want 200 bucks
That's the going rate, isn't it?
When's your next train to New York?
12:18
Mrs. Lefkowitz?
All right already!
Oh, sorry I thought it was my son
- I'll get my list - Okay
I didn't know your son was here That's wonderful
Yeah, well, he said he wants to see me
And where is he now? He's on the beach, looking at bosoms
Hey, Lewis, what's the matter?
You look like you just had a stroke
- Hi, Mrs. Lefkowitz Hi, Ella I didn't see you - Hello
- She's invisible - You look confused
Well, who needs all these choices? It's soap
I say, when in doubt, go for the simplest box
Ah You know, Sharla taught me almost everything
Cooking, dishes, how to use a cell phone
Never got around to the laundry
You must miss her
Mmm, every day You?
Well, I didn't know your wife, so, no, I can't say that I do
Oh, finally, a date with Lewis Feldman
What do you mean?
He's had his eye on you since he got here
That's ridiculous He has not
Anyway, it's not a date I'm just helping him with his laundry
Why? What do you think dates look like around here, bungee jumping?
Believe me, it's a date
At least she's gone
Where'd she go to anyway?
I don't know My dad's, I guess
Well, that's good Gives Sydelle one more thing to complain about
Which one are you crying about-
the predatory prick or the shit-for-brains tramp?
'Cause neither one deserves your tears
You know, Amy
I'm sure you're right
But sometimes I wish you'd just say
"Boy, that sucks
and I'm really sorry it happened to you"
- Do you have them for every high holiday? - Yeah
The Passover one says, "What makes this tuchis unlike any other?"
My son, the joker
Thinks it makes up for the fact that I don't see him on the holidays
- They go to her parents - Well, at least he's married
- My son- 55, still single - Gay?
I wish Immature
Ella, tell me about your family
Well, my husband Ira was in real estate
Died three years ago Cancer
That's funny?
No, it's the way we do that- the dead spouse intro
Name, rank, when did he die, how
But not the specifics
Cancer's okay, but no one ever says "lung cancer"
Or, God forbid, "prostate cancer"
How 'bout you? Have any kids?
No
No, I don't have any children
- Rufus? Is that Rufus?
Uh, is Shirley back from Europe already?
Ooh, I thought she- I thought she was boarding Rufus for another month
She is Yeah
I just walk Rufus
- Oh, you're with the Elegant Paw - No No, I'm-
- Hi, Carol - Hey, Carol
- Hi - Good girl, Molly
- I'm freelance A freelance dog-walker - Oh, I see
Yeah, I work for kennels, with kennels, and, uh
with- for individuals too
- She's just what we need - Absolutely
How much do you charge?
Jesus! You saved my ass
- Where did you find him? - Oh, just wandering around Rittenhouse
You know, I give this girl a job She seems normal
Next thing I know, she's taken off with this dog
You can imagine, something like this gets out, and I'm out of business
So, how does 200 sound for a reward? Fair enough?
- I don't want a reward - What are you, a saint?
No
Uh, I was thinking maybe instead of a reward
you could offer your clients my dog-walking services
Exclusively
We could split the proceeds
Not so much as the Winnebago he left her
Oh, it's horrible!
You won't be laughing when you're eating government cheese
Hello
- Hello? - Is this Ella Hirsch?
Yes, it is
Did you have a daughter named Caroline?
Yes
So, are you on vacation, or-
Yeah
Mmm Well, we've been having wonderful weather
I'm so glad you called
I'm so glad you're here
Mrs. Lefkowitz, this is my granddaughter Maggie Feller
- Hello - Hi
Well, you must be starving I can, uh, fix you something to eat-
No, that's- I'm fine
I just, uh-
- I'm really tired - Oh Well, let me show you the guest room
Um, it's right through here Uh, this is the bathroom
And I'll put out clean towels and, uh, a washcloth
The bed's made up
and there are, um, extra blankets in the closet
- Is my grandfather around? - Oh No
No, Ira passed away over three years ago
So, you'll call me if you need anything?
Yeah
Hey, you said you didn't have children
I said I don't have children
I had a daughter
Her name was Caroline She died
What was she like?
Well, she was- she was exactly like that
Same eyes, same skin
same face- identical
But she had, um, health problems
- She had mental health problems - Tsk
Well, how'd she die?
Car accident
A leave of absence? Why?
I'm just- I'm not happy at that firm
So instead you'll be walking dogs
And running errands, and- I think it'll be fun
Are you okay?
You're not having-
What?
If you ever want to talk to someone, Rose, I'll pay for it
No questions asked If you're ever feeling-
Crazy?
I'm not the one you should be worried about
How is Maggie?
- You haven't seen her? - No, she's still with you, isn't she?
Oh, yeah, she is She's fine
- Thanks for the coffee - All right See you soon?
Yeah
The number you have called is no longer in service
If you feel you have reached this recording-
Hmm
Well, good morning
Did you sleep well?
Fine, thanks
I have English muffins here I can make you any kind of eggs you'd like
- I don't eat breakfast - Oh
I drink coffee
So, my goodness This is a surprise
Such a lovely surprise
After all this time
- Yeah, what's up with that? - I beg your pardon?
Well, were you always out of the picture, or just after Mom died?
Oh, your grandfather and I were never out of the- I mean, we were always there
We-
And even after your mom died, I wrote
Birthday cards, every year And I never heard back
Yeah, I know You wrote for a while I just found them
What do you mean, "just"?
I guess they got waylaid Thanks for the money
You're telling me that your father never gave you my cards?
Mm-mmm
What must you have thought?
I thought you both were dead
Does this place have a pool?
- Oh! Sorry - Whoa
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa!
Come on
Hey, check this out
Hey
Where'd she come from?
Hi, sweetheart
Come on, come on
Come on Keep playing
Rose! Rose Feller!
Oh, Stein
How are you?
Man, you look great Not sick at all
Why would I look sick?
Oh
- That's one of the rumors - There are rumors?
How 'bout that? Lunchtime
- Hey, how does, uh- How does Japanese sound? - I'm not hungry, Stein
Oh, there's no such thing as not hungry for sushi Come on
We'll bill it to one of your old clients
Uh, thank you You eat everything?
- What do you think? - Okay
- Um, two orders of uni, one masago - Mm-hmm
- Uh, two tako - Okay
- Two hamachi - Mm-hmm
Then also that cod thing It was a special once, but it's not on the menu anymore
- You know what I'm talking about - Tara
- Yes! - Okay Thank you
- Okay, thank you - Thanks
- You just ordered for me - Yes
- What am I, 12? - Uh, I'm an expert orderer
- It's a gift - Is it?
Absolutely
What was the last great restaurant you went to?
- I took my sister to Le Bec Fin - Uh-huh
And you both got the snapper, right?
Close I got the snapper
- She got three rum and Cokes and the sommelier's phone number - Okay
Well, I'll take you there, and we'll get
the foie gras with Roquefort-stuffed fig
Scottish wood pigeon with cabbage
and porcini cassoulet
And the chocolate mousse
with raspberries and hazelnut macaroon
You'll want to eat with me for the rest of your life
- Ah - Here you go
- Mmm - I know
- The special, tara - Thank you
Enjoy
So- What are the other rumors?
Ah Um-
Rumor one: Mysterious illness
Rumor two: Head-hunted by Pepper and Hamilton
Here Try some of this
- Rumor three? - Um, soy?
Oh, come on What's rumor three?
Affair with a partner gone bad
Don't worry
Most people are betting on lupus
Here Wasabi makes everything better
- So, uh, what time Friday? - Friday?
Dinner
Oh, look, Simon, this was- this was really nice, but, um, I don't think-
7:00 it is
Thank you
Mmm That smells good What is that?
That's braised veal
Shit
There's a paper towel on the counter
Out of curiosity
how long is this vacation of yours going to last?
How come you don't have any pictures of my mom around?
Don't you like thinking about her?
I don't need to have a picture to think about my daughter
You put out pictures, people ask questions
They expect you to tell 'em everything, and I don't do that
'Cause Mom was sick?
Because she's gone
Is that why you pulled away from us?
So that you didn't have to talk about her with us either?
I didn't pull away I was pushed
No, listen
I'm not the one who didn't pass along the letters That was your father
I'm not the one who didn't want a relationship
He said that? "I don't want you to have a relationship with my daughters"
- Oh, yes - When?
- At the funeral - Why? Why would he say that?
Because he's irrational Yeah He blamed me for everything
Every bad day, every bad episode
He did not want me near her
And after she was gone
he didn't want me near you or your sister
I just wonder-
If you had tried harder, you know, or, like, tried again
after he'd gotten over the whole
shock and grief of it, you know?
'Cause it would have been nice having a grandmother
Nice and
maybe a little less lonely
She sounds like a manipulative little nincompoop
- The girl lost her mother - So? You lost your daughter
- It's not the same - It's worse
A parent burying a child goes against the law of nature
Well, so does a grandparent abandoning her grandchildren
You said yourself he didn't want you around
What were you supposed to do, break down the door?
Yes
Shoelace
For Caroline, yes
For Caroline She was gone, cookie
And you pushing your way into that house wasn't gonna do a thing for her
- She wanted me there - You don't know that
- Yes, I do I know - How?
I just do
How?
I've never told anybody this, not even Ira
I'll take it to my grave, probably tomorrow
It wasn't a car accident
I mean, eh- it- it was a car
and there was a crash, but-
How do you know it was on purpose?
She wrote a note
It came the day after the funeral
What'd it say?
One line
"Please take care of my girls"
- And you didn't - Mm-mmm
You didn't because you couldn't
Now you can, so you will
Ella, bubbeleh, you did the best you could in a very bad situation
You got nothing to feel guilty about
And you tell that to Miss Hotsy-Totsy Pants
So this is where all my boyfriends have been coming from
They took a vote I don't know who I pissed off, but somehow I lost
Or won Either way, it's official
I am the captain of the softball team
Yeah
Look, I know this isn't my business, but I can't not say anything
You have rights, legal options for getting your job back
I don't want it back
You don't?
I thought you loved it
You were always the first one there in the morning and the last one to leave at night
I know Not because I loved it
Then why?
I don't know
Maybe I was scared of what would happen if I wasn't there
Oh, what? Like the place would fall apart without you?
With law freaks like you there? Never
No, I wasn't worried about the office
I guess it was more me
and what would happen to me without those people to please
and those tasks to get done
Like maybe those were the things holding me together
And without them, I'd
fall apart
But you didn't
I guess not
So what does hold you together?
For me, it's the law, politics
the Sixers and good food
If you ever want to join me for a game or a meal
I hope you'll give me a call
Ella?
Oh I was just looking for-
For what?
Sorry, I-
Wrong dresser It's in the sock drawer
What is?
My cash That's what you were looking for, right? That's what you want
No God
Oh, well
I guess after being absent for some 20-odd years or so
I can't expect you to want to have a relationship with me
- How much? - How much what?
Money, Maggie How much money were you hoping to get from me?
- I don't know - Yes, you do
I want to go to New York
Maybe act I think I'd be good at it
Mmm, clearly
- How much do you need? - Three grand
That you would not have found in the sock drawer
How much do you have?
Well
I won't give you $3,000, but I'll do this
They need help over at the Assisted Living Center
You get that job, stop loafing around here like some princess
and I will match what you earn, penny for penny
You would do that?
Why?
Because I'm your grandmother
Oh, I don't think so
Last time I ran anywhere was to my wedding Look what happened
- Is that Corinne? - No
- Who is it? - Maggie
Have we met before?
There's a pick-up line with a little dust on it
Fine What's your sign?
I've been out of the game for a while
What, like 70, 80 years?
Give or take
Where's Corinne? She's my number-one girl
Well, excuse me, but what does Corinne have that I don't?
- She reads to me - Oh
You could do it, maybe nose her out of first position
Here
I'm a little busy right now
Maybe you should wait for Corinne
- Hello? - Are the Sixers basketball or hockey?
Come on, Eric!
Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby!
That's what I'm talkin' about Get back, get back!
That's Reggie Miller! You gotta get him!